Life is full of surprises.  I never thought I would one day embark on the journey that I am on today.  At first, my journey seemed rather scary and impossible, but now the tunnel could not be more clear.  I want to tell all about how far I have come within the last decade or so. 

I did not always have transgendered feelings.  From the time of my birth to the age of 15, I felt like any other normal person.  I went to school, ate, and slept just like anyone else.  I started having transgendered thoughts in the fall of 2000.  I took notice of the outfits the girls in school would wear, and I began to have the desire to dress as they did.  I never said anything about it to anyone.  I just kept living the good old normal life. 

I finally opened up to a person I met online from Scotland at the end of 2001.  I admitted I wanted to try on women's clothing.  I had a particular interest in hosiery.  To my surprise, she was rather supportive and said I should dress in whatever I wanted.  It was not until 2002 that I eventually started crossdressing.

I engaged in crossdressing for a good nine months or so before I came to the realization that clothes were not enough.  I had to have more.  I had already begun calling myself Lauren when ever my online friend and I talked.  I did not realize that I went with the name without any hesitation at all.  I then started thinking about what if I were a transsexual? 

This thought was rather odd.  I began to go back and forth on whether or not I was really trans.  I thought that maybe I was just sexually attracted to women, but perhaps I just believed I could never get a girlfriend.  Obviously this was not the case at all.

I went through the mid 2000's being genderless.  If I believed I would not be much different as a woman, then perhaps I could get back to living a normal life like everyone else again.  This persisted until I found out that Youtube existed.  I began to listen to other blogs from transsexuals, and some of it did resonate with what I felt while other things did not.  I eventually commented on a blog about gender dysphoria feeling like mini depressions.  Someone else replied to my comment, and we ht it off.

Leah does not recall why she replied to my comment, but I am glad she did.  Leah helped me become the person I am today.  I was still wavering back and forth heavily.  I could not figure out why I felt fine when  I was younger, but developed dysphoria later in my life.  I was like this for a couple of years.  Leah kept talking to me and making sure I was ok.

I finally got out of my funk in the early part of 2011.  I realized that my trans feelings were not made up or false, but were a part of my maturation.  I came to accept myself as Lauren very slowly just as I have learned everything else in life.  My life over all has moved at a very slow pace.  I noticed that my acceptance of who I really was moved just as slow as other things in my life.  This must mean that my feelings are in fact real, and that this is a part of me that will never go away.

I began developing my female voice in May of 2011.  It took me about a 1.25 years to get the pitch and resonance down.  I now need to find people that can accept me for me so that I can learn how to use it in everyday conversation.  I am out to a co-worker and use my voice around him whenever I can.  My father is not accepting at all, and so until I can make it on my own, I cannot use my voice that often in real life situations.

I face the task of starting the actual physical aspects of transition in 2014.  My father will not last too much longer, and I will be free to move forward with my plans.  I plan to start hormones in the early part of next year once I talk to my doctor.

I am very thankful for all the people I have met in my journey to self discovery.  It has been quite long ride, but there is still plenty more to come.  Hopefully I will be successful in moving forward.